Yeah, you, got that something, I think you'll understand.

I'm writing this on the off-chance you'll read this, I apologize in advance for my 'mish-mash' of emotions bloggers.

I had to give up another to keep you, but I don't mind, because when I think about it.. It was for the best. It wouldn't of been the same ever again, I would of been scared to break your heart again and you would of been more cautious.

Well.. I moved on and I am quite glad I did because he's perfect, he's kind, funny, gorgeous, amazing. I love his personality, the way he makes little cute noises, I adore his slight accent, his smile is to die for and he makes me feel loved. It's stupid that he doesn't like the way he is because he's just great, he hates his body, I love it, he hates his smile, I love it, he doesn't like himself, I love him. I've been longing for this feeling, to lift me up from sadness and make me whole again, and I just got it. When I fall for someone and they say something cute, some people get goosebumps, some get a tingly feeling, basically I've got the retarded one, my legs go like jelly then go numb, so if I'm standing up, I'm screwed. I got that feeling last night and it's my bodies way of reassuring me I've fallen, it sounds stupid and pathetic but I don't care, because it's me so why should I? Me and him have decided we are gonna be positive because to be honest, our lives haven't been great, so we just thought "Fuck it, lets be happy". The funny thing is we were seeing other people when friends and then shit happened and made us sad again, but now we're close, we're happy. It's weird how our friendship developed into this.. But I find it amazing.

Purely, CARNAGE!

Well bloggers, I have had a pretty eventful week.. 2 birthdays this week of two dear friends of mine, I enjoyed spending time with them. And the main thing, yesterdays party.. It was very very fun but I mean, I was drunk.. Slightly. Staggering around the party, hugging everyone, chatting, dancing, ect. The time went pretty fast but I still loved every minute of it. Then came the sleepover. What carnage. We sobered up slowly into the early hours of the morning, except for one guy, he was screwed ;) It's time like this when I thank god im alive, to be around all these amazing people. I shared some time with a person who has been a great friend for a while, he has comforted me through some pretty tough times and you know I can't thank him enough :)

HAPPY 16TH ZOE HENRY!

Dear ZOE HENRYY!!!!!

It is the celebration of your birth 16 years ago today, I hope you have a grand old day now good chap and get all the presents you wanted :)

Zoe, you my dear, are an amazing friend, you help everyone with their problems, you're just lovely and adorable, and I know I could never stay mad at you :) You deserve everything you want for your birthday as this is your day for everyone to help you out a bit. Thankyou so much Zoe for all your help with everything, you give the best advice and always steer me in the right direction, we always have our chats about life and these 2 photography days with you have been great :) I cant thankyou enough for when you came to meet me when I was in tears, and you even brought your cup of tea with you :') Babes, you truely are Legend! And I LOVE YOU!

Have a great day my darling :) Happy 16th birthday you big girl, you ;) <3 xxxxxxx

I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello.

I've been writing quite a lot of depressing blogs recently about love so I'm now going to write a blog about what I love <3

I'm actually in love with The Beatles, I'm a huge fan and if I could travel to any time, it would definately be the swinging 60's, I always consider myself at a bit of a hippie, i'm into peace, love and all that jazz. I also feel that Beatles songs have meaning, even if they're really really crazy, I still love them.

I look at music then, and I look at music now.. How can it go from an all time high to this? When you listen to the top 40 nowadays all it is, is stupid rapping with words and sentences that don't even make sense. I mean I like most music but some of it is quite simply pants.

Crazy little thing called love.

Why do I break so many hearts? Crush them in my hand like I don't care? Because I really do..
I guess it's my 'doing something before thinking it through' attitude. Love is a peculiar thing, you can build it up for days, months, years and within a second it can all dissapear, it can happen to the best of us.

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

So basically, today I spent the day with one of my closest friends and it was AWESOME!

It had to be the 'perfect autumn day'.. There was a cold bite in the air, the air was fresh and the sun was beaming warm rays. I originally set my alarm in the morning for 7:30 but I somehow managed to get up at 7:55 then phoned my good friend Zoe. We met up and started our journey, the scene was picture perfect, the sun was rising and the ground was covered in morning dew. We started off at south hill, moving onto starbucks, then onto millpond and back to Zoe's. Our finished products we're pretty awesome, I was quite impressed and our day basically rocked.

We had a good old chin wag, ate McDonalds, had a sunday roast, some cheesecake then rocked out to The Beatles. Perfect.

Off to Virginia Water tomorrow. Lushh..

Nobody said it was easy.. It's such a shame for us to part.

Once again my life has hit another confusing stage, when I'm unaware of what I want.

After talking to you again, I'm just back again. Seeing you didn't really help either.. We both admitted it was weird as we didn't know what to do around eachother. Oh well.. As you said. Only time will tell, I'm just hoping in time, everything will get better, like everyone has told me for ages :/ Even though things have only got worse.

And the love kickstarts again..

You talked to me. I guess that's a start.. Even though our conversation just cut me deeper and deeper, I hurt you in ways I can't describe, I can tell you I regret it a million times, but there is no way in hell it'll make a difference. I can't say sorry enough for everything, but it'll make no difference. I could cry until I couldn't cry anymore but still.. No difference. I just feel like pouring my heart out but I stop myself, I couldn't hold back the tears and I broke down. It shattered me into tiny pieces.

You said some hurtful things, I did some hurtful things. But it's all over now yes?

You have no idea how much I kick myself over that, my whole world came crashing down, I got angry, I punched my wall repeatedly and then it turned to sadness and I cried until my tears ran dry.

Trying to build myself back up and start a fresh new start didn't work out as planned, I'm back to square one. Holding myself back to re-creating past times, is so difficult, everything in my room is just you. I can't believe what you said about my love message on your window :/ I couldn't bare it. I just couldn't. All the times we spent together, rushed to my head like a tidal wave.

I miss you. But you're probably right. You're better off without me.

The only thing I can say is, pathetic.

OH MY GOD?!

WHY DO YOU LIE SO MUCH?! It angers me so much.. Seriously. I actually can't stand you.

Are you trying to make your life seem better and worse at the same time for sympathy? You don't know what anything real is like. You don't have anxiety, you're not an abused child, you're definately not depressed.. You're just an ungrateful, pathetic liar. Don't try and act all nice to my face and then bitch about me behind my back, it's stupid. You think putting names in your msn will make it look like you have friends? Doubt it. You only have 2 friends and your own boyfriend doesn't even like you anymore, I guess he's sick of your shit too. I find it funny that you suck up to me and bitch about 1 of your 2 friends. You try and tell me all these bullshit stories about how someone used to hit you, you said you had bruises.. If you really did, how comes I didn't see them? If you really have depression and you 'cut yourself' why are there no scars? You have no idea what it's like to be hit by your parents and if you did, you wouldn't wanna spread it around to everyone.

Grow up! Seriously.. You aren't making your life seem better or getting ANY sympathy by lying. Why dont you get your own life instead of picking bits out of other peoples and combining them to make yours?

OH YEAH! And one last thing I find it HILARIOUS when you make up ex boyfriends and new friends (Y)

Fake, fake, fake.

Hm, I was thinking to myself, the media really does make women feel ugly doesn't it? I mean, you see all these beautiful models, with their skin tight clothes and tiny bodies when really the camera doesn't see that. They are airbrushed and edited until they are fake, I was looking through pictures of models and thinking to myself, god I wish I looked like them, generally making myself upset over something stupid. I think it's unfair to most women that they try and correct themselves to be perfect because let's be honest no one is, I don't like people who are fake.

You see all these young girls at school looking like they've just come out of the fruit bowl with their bright orange cheeks and they heavily made up eyes. I have realised that I'm slowly starting to use less make-up because I prefer a more natural look. Now, Im not gonna lie, I do wear make-up A LOT of the time but I don't go to that extent! I think girls that cake on their foundation are just making themselves look worse, and their skin underneath is horrid! Girls around me at school ect. Are growing up far too fast, getting drunk every weekend, getting piercings and tattoo's here and there.

I think I'm just gonna sit back and give my body a rest for now.

-Alexandraa ;) xx

It's all about the here and now

There comes times in everyone's lives when they just think why?

Why am I doing this? Why did I do that? Why am I still here? It's these questions that break us down, make us emotional and feel worthless. We need to stop asking "Why?" and just get on with it! Yeah we can all sit around and feel depressed, but what's the point, live life while you can because I don't think you realise how lucky you are. I felt like this earlier today whilst pouring my heart out to a friend down the phone, I was telling him about things bad in my life and I just burst into tears, I couldn't help it but then I realised if I was always like that, which I once was, I wouldn't lead a very good life. Things may seem bad now but just think, if you're my age especially, you have your whole life ahead of you, new experiences, things to see, stuff to do, people to meet. You may think you can't find love now but who cares? It'll come. You may think you have a lot of stuff on your mind now but who cares? You'll have more, it's a thing we deal with. So maybe we should just, concentrate on the here and now, put on some happy tunes and be positive :)

-Alexandraa ;) xx

These are what bestfriends look like..

This post is about Miss Becky Hughes,

Dear my best friend and you my dear, are definately the best one I've had. You are always there for me in my time of need and you know I am always there for you, you give some great advice and you always look out for me. Trust me Becky if anybody tries to hurt you again, I'll tear them limb from limb. We have had some of the best memories ever, and cracked up until we can't laugh anymore.. Those are the moments I cherish the most. We haven't been best friends for a long time but trust me I'm so glad we became bestfriends, we never used to talk that much in year 7, 8 or 9 but fortunately we sat on the same table as Kieran in DT so we could take the piss out of him ;) Our friendship grew and we shared all our secrets, yes we've both had problems in our life but we've shared them with eachother. We share things like our plans for the future of going to Ibiza together and going clubbing.. Generally being rebels, things like that make me smile knowing that I have a friend for life. Yeah, we've also had ours up's and down's but doesn't everyone? And the good thing is we are always still there for eachother in the end.

I love you Becky Hughes, Thanks for everything :) xx

Be your teenage dream.

You know what? I had another one of those moments whilst taking some cough medicine, when I thought "A blog must be written!" So here I am..

I'm not afraid to grow up, I guess I just don't want to, it's so much fun going out with your friends, parties always around the corner, falling in love too many times to count. Being a teenager, in my eyes, is like being free, nothing compared to "the big world of work" or anything like that. You see when you are a teenager, you prepare to be an adult via work experience or whatever which all seems very thrilling but when you get there, maybe the thrill no longer exists?

The sort of person I am, is that, I understand things.. But sometimes I dont want to understand them, because of harsh reality, although soon enough it comes back around to slap me in the face and wake me up. Oh well reality, embrace me, because I guess I can't live in wonderland for my whole life can I? Well I'm gonna try my very best to until I have to stop ;)

-Alexandra.

Do you know a cool kid called Hannah?

Well the only person that really reads my blog a lot is Hannah so..

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH HANNAH WYLAM! WIFEY FOR LIFEY! <3!!!!!

All you need is love, love, love is all you need.

Yeah, I've written a blog today, and I only wrote it a little while ago but I suddenly feel MAJORLY loved up! <3

Love is such a wonderful feeling, you could say, everyone loves to be loved :) It's the only thing which can brighten your day to it's fullest.. Family love, friend love.. True love.

Love messages, poems, compliments, tiny little things which reduces you to a little mushy puddle. Just hearing 'You're beautiful' or 'I love you' can make your heart race, the feeling when you see that person you love when you can't help but smile and want to run up to them and hold them forever. Every kiss sends an electric tingle through your lips and every touch fills you with ecstasy, the feeling of getting lost in someones eyes like there is a whole new world and the old one no longer matters. People often ask me, would you rather have no money and have friends or be rich and no have friends? I ALWAYS choose to have friends, because friends and love is all I need, no amount of money can make me as happy and friends, family and love makes me. Believe in love at first sight, teenagers can be in love and all you need is love.

So children the moral of the story is, love will find you, whether it's now or later. And when it finds it's way to you, you'll never want it to stop.

-Alexandraaaa ;) xx

Little message

Currently I am watching My Sister's Keeper it is such a sad film, I'm pretty sure I'm clinically depressed D: I'm looking on eBay muhaha <3 love it.

I also have a horrid cold and cough which is peeing me off to the core, ah well! POSITIVITY IS KEY! so.. I shall be positive :D

-Alexandraaaaaa ;) xx

Bedtime blogs

So there I was laying in bed.. And I decided to write yet another blog.. Rebel eh? Here it goes..

My confidence has been building up quite a bit lately, I changed a lot when I came into year 10, I decided to be more crazy, out there, not really caring what other people thought. It has taken me so long to gain my confidence again, I dont know why bullying effected me so much, I was helpless, my world crumbled around me after that and I went into one of the darkest times of my life but fortunately it soon dissapeared and tbh now I'm as nutty as a fruitcake ;) I stood up infront of my P.E class with 3 of my friends, no idea what to do, and made up an aerobics dance routine.. With my own groovy adjustments obviously ;)

I really love music, it's a passion. I love singing, it's an ambition. But I dont dare sing to anyone because I'm so nervous and I dont have confidence in that region. Oh well.. All in good time I guess.

I really do love my brother :) We had a miniture rave/ dance fest in his room to little lies earlier and even though it was a tiny thing, I loved it. I cherish time with my brother, all the laughs we shared today aswell at the silly little creations we used to make. And now I'm introducing new people in my life, who support me when my brother is gone again.

I have also been writing love poems for quite a while as it is a small passion of mine ;)

This slot is for Miss Zoe Henry, you are just a bit of a legend!
Babes, all I can do is thank you :) you are ALWAYS there for me, even when I'm making bad decisions.. I mean you came to meet me when I was in tears over something minor and for that I love you forever. I'm always here for you darling, all the times we have shared together mean so much to me and I hope there is loads more to come. I have discovered that from pushing a bad friend out that got us to be friends, we have become closer and that has been one of the best decisions ever. Thankyou for everything babes. I LOVE YOU ZOE HENRY!



OH and you're extremely gorgeous ;)

Teenage dreams in a teenage circus, running around like a clown on purpose.

I have now decided, I love being a teenager really :) Rocking out to music, hanging with friends, doing whatever the hell you want, and even though you have exams it's just basically preparing you for whats ahead. I love everything at the moment, I'm in that mood :) Being positive is really helping me, I try and not think about the bad things and I just talk to friends or listen to music.. I'm currently on webcam to Zoe Henry and she can see me jamming ;) I'm listening to The Kinks actually :D I'm a hippie at heart really, love the beatles and 60's bands.. Can't get enough of them. Even though I'm completely loving teenage life I know deep down I gotta prepare for other things.

I mean like.. What I'm gonna take for A-level, what uni I wanna go to, what I wanna do for a living. I think far ahead too much so tbh, i'm just gonna concentrate on the here and now at the moment and take it in small bits.


-Alexandraa banana ;) xx

again with the ramblings

So far I have been bogged down with revision, work and more work, it really does suck.. But for some reason I haven't been so low. I've tried to be positive, I lost him, I missed him, I'm over it. I've also had some family problems which I'm hoping comes out for the best :/

These things changing so fast is making me cherish those in my life still, my brother has come down from Scotland for a week and I've never been so happy to see him. I've decided I dont care what people think of me anymore because there is people that love me and there is people that don't, and if you don't like the way I am then screw you :) I will wear what I like, if I wanna wear dungarees then hell i'll wear them, if I wanna wear ridiculous make-up then i'll do that.. Finally I've decided to not care whether I get judged anymore, if you dont like my blogs, my personality, how I look, my music taste, how I dress then stuff you, cos I couldn't care less ;)

BUT on a happy note it was my nieces first brithday on Friday and I went to her birthday party yesterday.. She's such a cutie :) This is her at only a few months old :)



- Alexandrararara ;) xx